What will my girls remember? On motherhood and depression

On motherhood and depression

I have a nasty habit of tying my blog posts up with little white bows at the end. For some reason, I always feel like I need to show the struggle and the triumph in my writing, but really, who am I kidding?

Most of the things we struggle with aren’t fully rendered by one touching anecdote or a favorite Bible verse. No, our struggles continue. We learn. We struggle. We grow. We struggle. We feel better. We do better. We get better.

We struggle.

That’s me with my depression. To many, my illness seems fake. “Why can’t she just pull herself together?” I imagine those close to me thinking. And for the record, I don’t judge the thoughts. I think the same thing myself.

I had a great weekend, and then woke up Monday morning with the foreboding weight of life on my chest.

Today is Wednesday and I am starting to feel better.

But every time this happens, the pain and guilt of depression lingers.

What will my children remember about me when they are grown?

I lie in bed at night and wonder. My bones chill and I find myself rubbing my feet together, attempting to breathe a little warmth into my sobering thoughts.

Will they remember their mother swinging them at the park? Will they remember their mother praying with them before bed, or setting the table while their dad put the finishing touches on dinner, or cheering for them at a school assembly?

Or will they remember a door closed. Don’t bother mom, she’s not feeling well. Keep it down, now girls, mom is having a hard day. Will they remember phone calls unanswered, unkempt play dates, mom’s inability to get it together enough to sign us up for gymnastics and swimming?

What will my girls remember?

The thought is a plague. It sucks life.

I’m not going to tie this post up with a bow.

I’m just going to leave it at that.

What will my girls remember?

And what do I want them to remember?

Which brings me to my mantra for the day:

Do. Pray. Do. Pray. Do. Pray.

What do you want your kids to remember about you? And what’s one small thing you can do about that today?

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8 comments found

Cheryl Ricker says:

April 10, 2013 at 3:23 pm

They may not remember a perfect mom (because there’s no such thing), but they’ll remember a very real mom who taught them how to get up after she was down — which, in some ways, summarizes salvation, redemption, and life itself. And whether we’re up or down, we love. And that’s what’s most important and most remembered. Thanks for being real with us about your struggles. Posted with a prayer. : )

Cindy Anderson says:

April 10, 2013 at 8:03 pm

They’ll probably remember that life can be hard. That no one is perfect. They’ll remember your perseverance and how you never gave up on them. Never gave up on yourself. How everyday you got up and tried again. My kids are grown, there’s nothing more I can do about their childhood. But I’m still trying to be a better mom in their adult lives.

Tom H (6' 2", 235 lbs., all solid muscle) says:

April 11, 2013 at 7:13 pm

Kinda hard to top this: “(T)hey’ll remember a very real mom who taught them how to get up after she was down — which, in some ways, summarizes salvation, redemption, and life itself.” That might be the best thing someone can teach a child.

Lisa says:

April 12, 2013 at 4:30 am

I think about this a lot, too, Gillian. Maybe all of we mothers do: what will my kids remember? I struggle with feeling overwhelmed, and sometimes depression, too. I’d like to believe that my being honest and open with my kids about my struggles might somehow help in what they remember and how they feel about what they remember.

Laurie Wallin says:

April 12, 2013 at 11:20 pm

Gillian, I’m with you. This is something I’ve struggled with for about a decade – the mothering while struggling with depression. Only just started writing about it publicly because, like you said, you want to show the tied-up-with-a-bow version when it comes to an issue that Christians aren’t sure is a real issue. Thank you for your honesty, bravery. Love and hugs and prayers lifted for you…

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