Gillian Marchenko

Mental Illness: when you fear you are losing your mind on a weekly basis

(As this sometimes occurs, please forgive me if this post comes across muddy. I am not doing so hot today. Also, warning: this post my have some triggers for those who struggle with mental illness.)

This week, October 4th through the 11th, is Mental Illness Awareness Week. I knew that I was supposed to post about this because I openly write and speak about my fight with major depressive disorder. The only problem was that I was actually busy fighting my depression on Monday and today, although I am not great, although I am fighting ridiculous thoughts that are churning in my head,:

You are losing your mind. Just give up. You can’t do this (usually eluding to life, that is).

I knew that I needed to sit down and write something, no matter how convoluted it ended up being. Because I want to throw my hat in the ring. I want to add my story and my voice to a subject that is often criticized and ridiculed and not even considered real. This is my life, and through it, I want to glorify God. Sometimes, I think glorifying God simply looks like pure, unabashed honesty because maybe that will help someone else in their fight and let them know that God is there, too.

How it goes…

I kind of felt this specific depression struggle on the horizon. This past weekend I attended a national conference and presented workshops on special needs and depression. My days were high stress and packed and in the back of my mind, in the midst of talking to other moms who fight some of the same battles I do, I knew that when I got home, unpacked, kissed my husband and my kids, and finally sat down, I may unravel a bit.

And that’s what happened.

But this week is important. I want to help spread awareness about mental illness. I want to add my voice in the conversation and say that, yes, functional (most of the time) members of society fight mental illness. People of faith fight mental illness. Moms fight mental illness. 1 in 4 people in America have some kind of mental illness.

It affects everyone.

And yet, our culture still stigmatizes depression and other disorders. Some Christians want you to ‘pray it away,’ other people just want you to ‘snap out of it.’

People want to drop the ‘illness’ part of mental illness. And that has to change.

My history of mental illness

I’m a former missionary, a pastor’s wife, and a leader in ministry. My mental health history goes like this: melancholy child who thought it was normal to lie in bed for hours, frightened new mother later diagnosed with postpartum depression, struggling missionary and pastor’s wife who couldn’t understand why prayer and scripture did not calm the storms within, mother of a child with Down syndrome who for a time gave in to self-medication with cheap Chardonnay, ministry leader who suffered a breakdown resulting in a final diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder.

In the last couple of years I’ve started to work a program that seems to help the depression monster stay away for longer periods of time. Some of my tools include my family, Jesus, a cognitive behavioral therapist, my church community, antidepressants, and recently, essential oils.

But here’s the thing: I still fear that I am losing my mind on a weekly basis. And all of this is exhausting and difficult for me and my family and friends.

How it affects them…

At the conference, several people asked questions about my husband Sergei and my four daughters. How do they deal with my depression? Indeed, depression is a family affair and my struggles have altered their lives greatly. This week, I’ve asked my husband and my oldest daughter to each write a blog post about what it is like for them. I hope it works out for them to get something to me. Stay tuned for their responses.

I usually love to wrap my blog posts up in pretty little bows even though I know that’s not real life. With some things, there just aren’t any bows. This is one of them.

But I will say, I’m not giving up. When my brain circles around thoughts like: you are losing your mind, I’m going to continue to challenge it.

No, I’m not. But thanks for your opinion.

Jesus said “I came so that they could have life, and have it abundantly.” John 10:10 You, thoughts, are not abundant and you are not real life.

I’m okay, today. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.

This post description claimed that there would be encouragement for those who fight depression. OK, here goes:

You don’t have to have your crap together for Jesus to love you AND help you. He already does. He already is.

You are NOT depression. You are so many things. Depression is just one part of your life.

As hard as it is, depression is an active illness. I urge you to tell someone about your struggles. I urge you to get help. It can get better, I promise.

You are not alone.