When people say the word “retard”

stop sign 2 — http://www.stockfreeimages.com/

When people say the word “retard”, honestly, I don’t always want to speak up.

For example, when a close friend or family member says “retard” or “retarded” I know for sure they aren’t using it in a derogatory way. They aren’t thinking of my two daughters with Down syndrome. I know they love my kids. They have simply gotten in the habit of using slang. They probably don’t even realize what it means and I know I will embarrass them when I point out their choice of wording.

When people say the word “retard”, sometimes I don’t want to speak up because I am tired.

There are days when I don’t want to be an advocate. If I’m out with a group of girlfriends, or at a dinner party, I don’t want to stop the conversation and explain to the person who used the word how it is offensive. I don’t want to ask her to please stop. I just want to eat my food and enjoy my time.

When people say the word “retard”, there are many times I want to let it go.

I want to ignore it because I don’t want to be classified as a mother to a child with Down syndrome. I just want to be known as a mom: Elaina’s mom, Zoya’s mom, Polly’s mom, and Evie’s mom.

When people say the word “retard”, or poke fun in some other way at someone with disabilities, I don’t always want to correct them.

If they are going to be stupid and offensive, let them. I don’t have a well full of energy these days. I’d rather focus on other things.

BUT…

When people say the word “retard”…

I make myself speak up, even if I am tired, or if I want to just be known as a mom in that circle or if I know that the person doesn’t mean what she says.

Because I am a mother to two children with Down syndrome. I am an advocate. And I want to be a good friend and family member. And a lot of times that include educating people on the use of ‘retard’ as hate speech.

I speak up because someday Polly will hear that word, and she may know what it means, and it could break her heart.

So if you are around me and you say “retard” and poke fun at people with disabilities… Be forewarned that it is my duty to speak up.

Because I am a mom.

And my kids happen to have Down syndrome.

And the use of “retard” is wrong.

Help Spread the Word to End the Word today at:

www.r-word.com

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11 comments found

karynslater says:

October 4, 2012 at 3:13 am

Gillian, you are awesome! I love your blog. I love your writing style. I am both challenged and encouraged by you, and identify with a lot of what you say. So thank you.

Maxine Elizabeth Walsh says:

October 4, 2012 at 3:41 am

It is not a word I’ve ever used.. Its more of a slang term in the USA. However we have a wealth of our own deeply offensive terms.. Such as the latest trend teenagers have of calling everything and everyone they don’t like “gay”. And if you say, anything about it then you are deemed and uptight humorless old hag! But I’m tired of this “oh it was only a joke”. All of these derogatory terms are abusive and offensive..and we should be consistent in our intolerance if them. A laugh at someone else’s expense is actually bullying.

Mary-je says:

October 4, 2012 at 1:53 pm

I work for the Macau Association of Parents of the Mentally Handicapped. Yeah, a mouthful. (It’s worse in Portuguese, which translates something like Parents of the Mentally Deficient) I have to admit, it’s a lot easier to say that I work with retarded kids than that I work with the mentally handicapped or some other more multi-syllabic word. Usually when I say “the ‘r’ word” it is in a sentence like: “Put me in a room full of retarded kids and I’m at my happiest.” (This is “hate speech”?) I’ve lived outside of the US for so long I don’t keep track of all the politically correct terms.

1. Gillian Marchenko says:
  
  October 4, 2012 at 1:57 pm
  
  Mary, thanks so much for chiming in. This aspect of culture, place, and the r-word is fascinating.
  
  I guess I was speaking in the American context. Here in the States, the r-word is considered hate speech b/c of the way it is slung around as slang to hurt and offend and make fun of people.
  
  I’m interested in talking more about how you use it in your context and culture, and to hear other peoples’ thoughts.
  
  Certainly appreciate your perspective, and all you do for families affected by special needs.
  
  1. Mary-je says:
    
    October 6, 2012 at 1:38 pm
    
    Actually I hardly ever use English here, only among a few friends who well know my love for my “retards”. In America I doubt I would ever say such a thing.
    Usually I am speaking Chinese here and I find I am in general ruder in that language than in English because it’s a part of the culture here. When my kids(I mean my PT clients, they are all “my kids”) do something klutzy I call them silly pigs. An expression everyone uses just like they use “devil” to refer to foreigners like myself and it doesn’t bother me.
    I love the quote from CS Lewis about how “you may call the wife of your bosom ‘pig’ when she has inadvertently drunk your cocktail as well as your own…” I do think why or how you use a word or phrase makes a big difference.
    As far as politically correct stuff–it’s interesting that many of the more educated parents have taken to using the expression for mentally challenged instead of mentally handicapped (literally, mentally weak)–but the official name of the organization is parents of the mentally weak.
    Don’t know if this tells you what you want to know; I’ll quit babbling now!
    
Becca says:

October 4, 2012 at 2:03 pm

A beautifully-worded post, Gillian. Thank you for saying it so perfectly. We don’t always *want* to say something, but we *have* to. We can’t effect change if we stay silent, and if we can reach just *one* person at a time, that’s *one* person more than would have been reached if we hadn’t.

nursejoy99 says:

October 4, 2012 at 3:50 pm

To be honest it’s such a derogatory term and I hardly ever hear it (maybe we’re a bit more careful in Canada?!! hmmm…. not so sure) but I will try to speak up when I do hear it.

Meriah Nichols says:

October 4, 2012 at 3:51 pm

love this post, Gillian!

starrlife says:

October 5, 2012 at 12:35 am

What a wonderful way of saying it! Thanks for the link too. But you have a great voice!

Lisa says:

October 10, 2012 at 12:30 am

Perfectly stated, as always! I know I am often conflicted about calling out a friend, relative or other when they use this slang. I hate it. Yet I don’t always want or have the energy to confront it. If we replaced “retard” wih any other cultural group hate word, how would we react? It has taken America a while to get rid of many prejudices (and we’re still working on it) of race, color, socio-economic group, lifestyle, etc. I believe that people with physical and mental challenges deserve the same respect and attention. Next time, I promise I will speak!

Dee says:

October 28, 2012 at 1:41 am

I’m late on this but just wanted to say my little 2 cents worth. I speak up most of the time!! A child on my son’s little league basketball team told him one evening at practice (he was 11 then) “You’re a R—– just like your little brother” My husband found my son in hysterical tears finally getting him tell him why he was soooo upset. Well that was when my baby was only a few months old and everything was still sinking in! We did not make a big deal of it at the time. (I cried many tears out of the sight of my son) Later within his class it was often used because they knew that it would hurt him! I finally had to make a phone call and have a discussion with the principal.

Last year at a basketball game!!!! A song was played that had the phrase in it “That’s R——-” I was so upset and in shock and I posted on my facebook page that night that I could not believe that they had allowed it on the play list! I was told that I was being too sensitive!! The principal called me and tried to give me a dressing down for posting something negative about the school on a public forum! I just told her that after all that we had gone through already that I was hurt that it was played at all. Honestly!!