A spouse’s perspective on depression

A spouse’s perspective on depression

(Help me welcome guest blogger Leanne today! I love this post. Hope you find it helpful as well!)

“Is it the end of the world that she feels that way and you feel this way?”

Our counselor was finishing the end of our session.

“No, it’s not the end of the world…” But my husband didn’t sound sure.

He swiveled to me. “Is it the end of the world that he feels that way and you feel this way?” Same question… Same hesitation.

“No, but sometimes it feels like it.” I was being honest.

“It feels like it’s the end of the world. But is it?” He was pushing.

“Not so far.” I was hedging my bets.

My husband struggles with cyclical dysthemia, a chronic depression that can be “covert”, masquerading as stress, anger, or fatigue.

So for the previous 18 months, a lot of time and dollars have been devoted to finding counselors: one for him, one for me, and one for us. The conversation above was with the “us” counselor.

That’s because a couple of years ago, my husband imploded.

Covert and chronic depression caught up with us.

We are both clergy and we were working at the same large church with very demanding schedules. Our fourth child, a beautiful boy with Down Syndrome, was a toddler; our oldest child was still in elementary school. My husband was caregiver for his elderly grandmother and an uncle dying of AIDS. Our best friends had lost a child in a terrible accident, and we were caring for church members who were facing unthinkable tragedies. Anyone would be depressed. But if you were already mildly depressed, the cliff loomed large. One could debate whether he slipped or jumped, but he fell down hard; and he nearly took his whole family with him.

Now a new horizon looms for all of us, one with pinpricks of rainbow light that only come as sun filters through rain clouds. If I had to sum up in one idea what “saved” us (other than faith, prayers, grace… These are our bastion, our strong-tower).

I have learned this…

Each of us stands at a river’s bank. The river runs with different speeds based on climate at the top of the mountain, something I can’t even control. And the river carries objects downstream, some small and some large, like river logs. Those river logs are feelings, and they come and they pass because the river is always moving. Our human tendency is to recognize a feeling, and jump on the log, and ride it to its end, whether that is a soft riverbank or steep waterfall. My husband and I had started riding these logs over the falls regularly. Our feelings felt like “the end of the world.” But we’ve learned that our feelings pass. New feelings are just around the corner. Enjoy the good feelings; endure the bad feelings; know that feelings are temporary.

We are also done rescuing each other, because “rescuing” only results in both of us going over the edge.

I can let him jump in, and if I will stay on the river’s edge, I am more able to offer him a hand out of the water when he is ready to stop “riding the feeling.” He does the same for me. Slowly we are learning to hold hands on the river’s edge and whisper to each other, “the feelings pass; wait for the next feeling.” Each time we make a choice for ourselves, make a choice not to rescue each other, let a feeling pass, each time we have and give permission to feel our feelings and let go of our feelings, we create a stronger embankment.

Leanne Burris is a pastor/preacher in the UnitedMethodistChurch. When she grows up, she’d like to be a writer. In the mean time, she is blessed to enjoy life with her talented and kind husband, Cliff; their four beautiful children; and her lively congregation in Gulfport, Mississippi. Leanne knows she’s had a great weekend when there is a finished book beside her bed, sand between her toes, and the smell of seafood lingering in the air. She ponders and postulates about these goings on at compasstrinity.blogspot.com

*Would you like to guest post at gillianmarchenko.com about special needs, faith, motherhood, disability, or something else you come up with? Email me at gillianmarchenko@gmail.com with your idea.

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6 comments found

Mary Beth Elderton says:

February 7, 2013 at 4:02 pm

I will have to think about this. I have known nine suicides in my life. I am the widow of a suicide. I am a preschool teacher–not a profession where one would expect to run into such things—but there it is. Over the years I have come to realize that we, as a culture, even our doctors, have a problem with defining the word “depression.” It seems to me that we are often talking about very different things when we use that word–even when we are earnestly listening and trying to understand. We don’t seem to have the language to communicate the wide array of distinctions we need to make in a conversation about depression. We resort to words like “negative thoughts,” or “down moods,” or “bad feelings.” We talk about “stress” and “fatigue.” Any of those things may or may not be involved in “depression;” any or all of these might be involved in a routine week of “normal” life. So…?

1. Leanne says:
  
  February 7, 2013 at 5:36 pm
  
  Hi Mary Beth! Definitely a learning curve for me too. I tried to very carefully use language that has been offered to us by professionals. I borrowed the term “covert depression” from a fabulous book called “I Don’t Want to Talk About It” by Terrence Real. It is this covert depression that masks itself as stress, fatigue, anger, etc. All very human emotions to be sure. We have learned that we were lacking the tools to cope with the every day, and it nearly got the best of us. Mary Beth, I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that God continues to strengthen you to be a light in the lives of your sweet little ones! Thanks for “listening.”
  
Lauren says:

February 7, 2013 at 4:18 pm

Leanne, thanks for sharing part of your story. My husband who is also a pastor struggles with depression. You’re absolutely right about not rescuing each other, but it is so hard not to jump into rescue mode. It’s a huge learning curve! Thank you for the reminder that “feelings pass”.

1. Leanne says:
  
  February 7, 2013 at 5:40 pm
  
  Lauren, you are so welcome! I need a reminder on my bathroom mirror! Ministry, especially, applauds the work of rescuing (to the minister’s detriment unfortunately). My constant refrain has become, “It is not my job to make you happy or fix your problems; it is my job to help you recognize the grace of God working in your life.” I borrow that refrain from Eugene Peterson in his book “The Contemplative Pastor.” I pray that God would continue to strengthen you and your husband for the work to which you are called! Thanks for “listening.”
  
Kathryn Arnold says:

February 7, 2013 at 4:56 pm

Just found you a couple of days ago, and I’m enjoying your posts. Thank you.

Went to Leanne Burris’ blogsite hoping to find links to more info on cyclical dysthemia but found nothing in the posts search. Would you ask her to share some, please? I’m no longer interested in pharmaceuticals for the problem, but even that sort of info might lead me to something I can use. After meds destroyed my health and my mind and nearly killed me I’ve come a long way toward health via diet, but nothing made near the difference that learning to trust God with my anxiety, stress, and depression has. Working on pride and anger now, too. 🙂 The more I learn, the more I find I need to know about Him.

1. Leanne says:
  
  February 7, 2013 at 5:47 pm
  
  Hi Kathryn…Gillian asked me to jump in. I’m afraid this is such a new topic for me, Gillian has been the first one to even get this much from me! And, I am not a mental/behavioral health professional, just a pastor. I can highly recommend a book called “I Don’t Want to Talk About It” by Terrence Real. It deals exclusively with male covert depression, but it opened my eyes to the reality of dysthemia and how it has been affecting our family for so long. Trusting God has certainly been a lifesaving choice for us! Thankfully, God has put in our path counselors who have helped us with new ways of thinking, the work of psychotherapy. I confess it took a while to find the right counselor/doctors. I pray that God would continue to strengthen you to seek and know his grace as he fills you with all spiritual blessings to overcome that which seeks to harm you. Thanks for “listening.”