Call Me Okaasan Book Giveaway and interview with Suzanne Kamata

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Help me welcome my friend Suzanne Kamata, and the excellent book she edited, “Call Me Okaasan, Adventures in Multicultural Mothering.”

I read this book of short stories and essays by 20 women writers from around the world about a year an a half ago, and the stories have stayed with me. You have to check this book out!

I invited Suzanne to talk to us about writing and motherhood. And to round out the week, Suzanne is offering one signed copy of her book to a lucky participant. Welcome Suzanne!

 

 

Call Me Okaasan Book Giveaway and interview with Suzanne Kamata

1. What is the hardest thing about being a writer and a mom?

Finding the time to write. Although I set aside one sacred day per week for writing, that day is often taken over by PTA meetings or school holidays or something else. I have all of these projects that I’m excited about and I become irritated when I can’t write, but sometimes the demands of motherhood subsume my writing time.

2. What leads you to write your books?

The book I’m writing now, which is a mother-daughter travel memoir, was prompted by my daughter’s desire to see the world. I figured I’d get a huge advance, like Elizabeth Gilbert, and we’d eat, pray, love in a variety of places, and then I’d write the book. So far it hasn’t worked out quite like that, though I was very fortunate to be awarded a grant by the Sustainable Arts Foundation for this project.

3. What has changed since you’ve been published?

It has allowed me to take my writing seriously. My family is, by and large, disinterested, and I live among people who can’t read English, so the motivation has to come from within.

4. What do you love right now about motherhood?

I love it that my daughter is now old enough to be a fun travel companion,and that my son is still a little bit willing to talk to me.

5. What do your kids think about your writing?

My daughter is my biggest fan, although she can’t read my writing. My son gives me high fives when I ask for them. I think they both think it’s pretty cool, although my son is a bit more reserved with his enthusiasm.

***

Suzanne Kamata lives in Japan with her husband and teen-aged twins. She’s the author of four books, including Gadget Girl: The Art of Being Invisible (GemmaMedia, May 17, 2013) and the editor of three anthologies. She also serves as Fiction Co-editor for Literary Mama. Connect with Suzanne at www.suzannekamata.com.

For a chance to win the giveaway (a signed copy of Call Me Okaasan):

1. Leave a comment ON THIS POST.

2. Tweet, share on Facebook, Pin, about Suzanne and/or my Mother’s Day daily book giveaway for ONE MORE CHANCE to win and leave another comment letting me know what you did (note, it’s just one more chance regardless of how much you share).

So that’s TWO CHANCES per person if you are so inclined!

Winners will be announced for each day (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday) on Mother’s Day and chosen randomly from randomnumber.org.

Bread & Wine Book Giveaway, plus an interview with Shauna Niequist

Bread and Wine Book Giveaway, plus an interview with Shauna Niequist

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Shauna Niequist is the author of Cold TangerinesBittersweet, and the newly released Bread & Wine. She is also such a kind-hearted individual, I know you’ll just love getting to know her if you haven’t already read her books!

I loved Shauna’s other books, and Bread & Wine does not disappoint. I found myself spurred on by the intent of the book, and stopped in places by the prose. Shauna writes about the importance of community around the table, and in life (plus, there are tons of mouth-watering recipes for you to try at home). Thank you, Shauna, for taking a few moments to talk about motherhood and writing.

1. What is the hardest thing about being a writer and a mom?

Time, of course. It takes time to be a good parent, and time to be a good writer, and it’s tricky get the math right. Some weeks I do, and some weeks I don’t. Two ideas have been informing my choices lately: first, that a whole-hearted present mama is more important than a super-efficient-and-productive one, so I’m trying to slow everything down to allow myself to be more connected and rested.

Second, parenting and writing are my non-negotiables…but almost everything else is negotiable. Keeping a perfect house? Negotiable. Very, very negotiable. Going to every possible party and event? Negotiable. Having perfectly wrapped presents for other kids’ birthdays? Super-negotiable. Parenting, writing, being a good partner to Aaron: if those things are happening, almost everything else can slide.

2. What has changed since you’ve been published?

Almost nothing. In the words of my patron saint, Anne Lamott, if you weren’t okay before you got published, you won’t be okay after you are. It doesn’t change as much as you think. And especially in a season where people are doing such great writing on blogs and in self-published books, publishing doesn’t mean what it used to. This is good news for unpublished writers–you don’t need a pub board to give you an opportunity–you can make your own. And you should. :)

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Shauna Niequist is the author of Cold Tangerines,Bittersweet, and Bread & Wine.

Shauna grew up in Barrington, Illinois, and then studied English and French Literature at Westmont College in Santa Barbara.

She is married to Aaron, who is a pianist and songwriter. Aaron is a worship leader at Willow Creek and is recording a project called A New Liturgy. Aaron & Shauna live outside Chicago with their sons, Henry and Mac.

Shauna writes about the beautiful and broken moments of everyday life–friendship, family, faith, food, marriage, love, babies, books, celebration, heartache, and all the other things that shape us, delight us, and reveal to us the heart of God. Connect with Shauna at shaunaniequist.com and on Facebook and Twitter.

For a chance to win a signed copy of Bread & Wine:

1. Leave a comment ON THIS POST.

2. Tweet, share on Facebook, Pin about Shauna and/or my Mother’s Day daily book giveaway for ONE MORE CHANCE to win and leave another comment letting me know what you did (note, it’s just one more chance regardless of how much you share :) .

So that’s TWO CHANCES per person if you are so inclined!

Winners will be announced for each day (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday) on Mother’s Day and chosen randomly from randomnumber.org.

Please come back tomorrow to hear from Kate Hopper, author of Use Your Words, and the upcoming memoir Ready For Air.

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Love You More, and MOMumental book giveaway, plus an interview with author Jennifer Grant

Love You More, and MOMumental book giveaway, plus an interview with author Jennifer Grant

Here it is! The kick-off of my long Mother’s Day book giveaway and author interview week here at www.gillianmarchenko.com. Thanks for stopping by, spread the social media love, and don’t forget to leave a comment each day for a chance to win signed copies of the books.

And now … on to Jennifer :) .

Love You More

Jennifer Grant, author of Love You More: The Divine Surprise of Adopting My Daughter, a memoir about adoption and MOMumental: Adventures in the Messy Art of Raising a Family, an honest, fun, and introspective look at motherhood, joins me today to talk about motherhood and writing.

I have to tell you, reading Love You More validated a lot of deep parts in me as an adoptive mom.

Read Jennifer’s interview below, and be sure to leave a comment for a chance to win a signed copy of one of her books! Thanks Jennifer!

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1. What is the hardest thing about being a writer and a mom?

When my kids were much younger (they are now 17, 15, 13, and 11), I probably would have said that the hardest thing about being a mom who writes – or a writer with kids – was finding blocks of time to be quiet, think deeply, and work. I remember feeling guilty when I was at home interacting with the kids, but distracted by my work. I hated the feeling that I was not listening
well to them or that I was rushing through my life. I felt pulled in more than one direction much much more than I do now.

Now that they are older, the issue I struggle with most as a mom who writes/writer with kids is keeping myself from writing about things that would truly embarrass my kids or make them feel silenced or ashamed.

After I finished writing MOMumental, I asked my kids permission to share certain stories. After reading it aloud to them, I did take out some anecdotes that made them feel embarrassed. (But they were so good!)

As they navigate the tricky bits of growing up and moving through adolescence, I’ve had to refrain from writing about many, many issues that have come up at home. Truth is, I figure out how I feel about something by writing about it. I wish I could write in great detail about what it’s like to parent adolescents but…I don’t want to compromise my children’s trust in me. Were I to write about some of the things we talk about, I would certainly do so. Somehow Anne Lamott and her son worked this out when she wrote about teenaged Sam. Maybe the reason I haven’t is that I’m outnumbered!

2. What led you to write your books? 

My first book, Love You More, grew out of a series of newspaper columns I wrote in the first few years after adopting my youngest child, Mia, from Guatemala. Parents who have welcomed children by adoption are hungry to read about the experiences of other adoptive families and I’d often receive mail from people whose family or friends had clipped my columns and sent them across the country. When they wrote me, these readers would say, “When are you going to write a book!?!” It was a privilege to write Love You More and I consider it my gift to my daughter primarily, but also to other parents who have chosen to adopt a child.

I wrote MOMumental the next year. It’s a sort of sequel to LYM as it is about parenting my four kids, but it’s not specifically about raising a child whom you’ve adopted. It’s about connecting in an authentic way with our kids which I think is the most important thing we can do. Readers have said they enjoy it because it’s funny (and I tell wince-worthy stories of my own parenting fails), but also because I make very clear that there is not one good or perfect way to raise kids. We all seem to seek that elusive “best way to be a mom” guidebook, but truly, we are all different, have our own combinations of strengths and weaknesses. There are many many ways to be a good mom.

MOMumental is about our unique family’s culture, but encourages parents to relax a bit, find ways to connect with and to enjoy their kids.

3. What has changed since you’ve been published?

Many things have changed since those first two books were published. My kids are in different stages than they were when I wrote them. As I noted before, we are now deep into the world of teenagers – driving, college searches, romantic relationships, and so on.

Also, because I wrote two books about family life, I’ve found myself asked to speak – primarily at MOPS or other parenting meetings. That’s a new vocation for me.

I’m now at work on two new projects that will be released next year.

4. What is your favorite thing right now about motherhood?

As much as I know I’ll miss him, preparing my oldest, Theo, for college has been a rich time for me. He’s a junior in high school and I feel like I see the adult he will someday become. I took him on some college visits over the past several months and that one-on-one time was so much fun. He’s great company and I see such maturity and grace in him. I enjoy my kids as tweens and teens – they are all so surprising, complicated and interesting to me.

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A writer and mother of four, Grant has particular interests in “good enough” parenting, the whims of popular culture, and exceptional Vietnamese food. She has written a column and many health and parenting feature stories for the Chicago Tribune and is a regular contributor to FullfillSojourners‘ God’s Politics blog, and Christianity Today’s her.meneutics blog for women.Grant is a promiscuous reader who (usually) finishes what she starts, but is just as likely to be found reading Dinosaur Bob as Kate Chopin. She serves as a judge for the Christy awards. In 2012, she was a presenter (on the “tricky bits” of writing memoir) at Calvin College’s Festival of Faith and Writing.Grant contributed to Always There: Reflections on God’s Presence for Moms (Revell, 2012) and Everyday Matters Bible for Women (Hendrickson, 2012).

Her work has also been published on britannica.comadoption.commomitforward.comeatdinner.org, and in magazines including Chicago Parent,Christianity TodayDraftMomSense, and Conscious Choice. For more than a decade, she wrote features, restaurant profiles, and general interest and family life columns for Sun-Times Media newspapers. Grant was a founding member of Redbud Writers Guild and is a member of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists (NSNC).

Grant is currently at work on Disquiet Time with her friend and collaborator Cathleen Falsani and on 12: A Daybook which will be published by Loyola Press in 2014 or early 2015.

Released in May 2012 from Worthy Publishing, her second book, MOMumental: Adventures in the Messy Art of Raising a Family, was featured in Publishers Weekly and The Christian Science Monitor.Jennifer’s memoir, Love You More: The Divine Surprise of Adopting My Daughter was published in August 2011 by Thomas Nelson publishers. Jennifer is a graduate of Wheaton College (IL) and received her Masters degree in English literature with concentrations in fiction writing and critical theory (Go Derrida!) from Southern Methodist University. She lives with her husband, four children, and a wise and affectionate mutt named Shiloh outside of Chicago, Illinois.Find her on Facebook, on Amazon, on Twitter @jennifercgrant@momumentalbook, and @loveyoumorebook, and elsewhere online atwww.jennifergrant.com and grantjennifer on Linked in.

For a chance to win a signed copy of Love You More or MOMumental:

1. Leave a comment ON THIS POST.

2. Tweet, share on Facebook, Pin about Jennifer and/or my Mother’s Day daily book giveaway for ONE MORE CHANCE to win and leave another comment letting me know what you did (note, it’s just one more chance regardless of how much you share :) .

So that’s TWO CHANCES per person if you are so inclined!

Winners will be announced for each day (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday) on Mother’s Day and chosen randomly from randomnumber.org.

Please come back tomorrow to hear from Shauna Niequist, author of Cold TangerinesBittersweet, and the newly released Bread & Wine.

“Parenting and writing are my non-negotiables…but almost everything else is negotiable.”

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Why a wave matters, thoughts on parenting a nonverbal child

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Why a wave matters, thoughts on parenting a nonverbal child

“I had a dream last night that Evangeline started talking,” Sergei tells me as we tag team through our early morning duties to get our four children off to school.

I smile at the thought … we both seem to dream about Evie speaking to us at different times … and busy myself making peanut butter sandwiches for the girls’ lunches.

About our girl

Evangeline is six. We adopted her from Ukraine when she was two and a half years old. She has Down syndrome like her older sister Polly.

And so far, she is nonverbal.

For a while after Evangeline came home, I thought it would just take time and therapy for her to start speaking. I assumed that nonverbal meant  Evangeline would not be able to communicate with us until she could use words.

It has been a struggle. Evie doesn’t initiate closeness. She tends to stay to herself. She watches the world with her cool blue eyes and I wonder, “oh baby girl, what are you thinking?”

I ache to know.

I dream of her whispering the desires of her heart in my ear.

But that is not happening today.

So I work at learning the language she does speak.

When Polly hugs her too hard and Evie cries, I teach Polly. “That’s Evie’s ‘no.’ She doesn’t like you hugging so hard. Be gentle.” When Evie takes my hand and leads me to the bathroom, I know she wants to take a bath. When she brings us her pecs (pictures exchange communication system) picture of a pudding, I happily give her a snack.

I don’t take these things for granted. They are huge milestones for our girl, and I am thankful her world is opening up a bit more. I am thankful she is starting to understand that she has a voice. I’m thankful she is starting to believe she can trust us with it.

But my mother’s heart craves more. I want to hear Evangeline’s actual, audible voice making words. I want to talk to her. I get angry on her behalf, because she should have more in life, and I get sad … because, honestly, it is hard work for both of us to try to speak the same nonverbal language.

The school bus is almost here.

I zip up Evie’s fuschia spring coat with yellow and light pink swirls on it, smooth her corn silk hair from her forehead, and look my heart-shaped faced daughter in the eye. She allows me a gaze, a prize for the day as eye contact is hit and miss.

“We love you sweet girl. Have a great day at school.” The yellow school bus pulls up to the house, I clap my hands twice, signing ‘school,’ and watch my husband gently lift our girl up into his arms to take her outside.

I sigh, look around, realize there’s still much to be done to get the other girls ready for their day, and call to Polly to get dressed.

“Hey, guess what?” Sergei says to me as he comes back inside, closing the front door behind him.

“Before Evie got on the bus, she turned around and waved at me.”

My husband’s words stop me. Tears well up in my eyes.

“Like a real, intentional wave?”

“Yes, a real, intentional wave.”

“As in, ‘bye?”

“Yes, as in ‘bye.”

We look at one another for a second as our other children buzz around us.

Sergei smiles.

I smile.

Who knew that an intentional wave could make a mother cry?

I’ll tell you who. A mother to a child who is nonverbal.

Our daughter Evangeline waved ‘bye bye’ to her father before getting on the bus.

That matters …

It matters so much.

And I realize. She is speaking … we just have to slow down enough to hear her.

Mother’s Day Daily Book Giveaway

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Mother’s Day Daily Book Giveaway

Next week is going to fun here at www.gillianmarchenko.com!

It’s hard for me to believe that my memoir will be published by the end of 2013. All that work, all that time away from my kids, all that rejection … it makes me want to showcase other talented authors and find out more about how they balance writing and motherhood.

Which is how I came up with the idea of a Mother’s Day book giveaway.

A stunning group of authors graciously agreed to answer questions about writing and motherhood.

And guess what?

They each are donating a signed copy of their book!

Here’s the line up for the interviews and book giveaways:

MONDAY: Jennifer Grant, author of Love You More, a moving memoir about adoption and MOMumental, an honest, fun, and introspective look at motherhood. I’ve read both books. You don’t want to miss this interview! Jennifer is giving away a signed copy of each!

TUESDAY: Shauna Niequist is the author of Cold Tangerines, Bittersweet, and the newly released Bread & Wine. This book is beautiful. Shauna writes about the importance of community around the table, and in life. Shauna is giving away a signed copy of Bread & Wine!

WEDNESDAY: Kate Hopper, author of Use Your Words, and the upcoming memoir Ready For Air, is giving away a signed copy of Use Your Words, a writing guide for Mothers. I own a copy of Use Your Words, and recommend it for any mom thinking of picking up the pen. I cannot WAIT for Kate’s memoir to come out!

THURSDAY: Claire Bidwell Smith is the author of The Rules of Inheritance, a moving memoir about grief, family, and “how to overcome some of life’s devastating tragedies.” I devoured this book. The prose is breath-taking, and I identified, and learned from Claire’s grief journey. One lucky reader will win a signed copy of Claire’s book as well.

FRIDAY: Jena Morrow’s memoir Hollow, An Unpolished Tale is an honest narrative about one woman’s struggle with anorexia nervosa. I loved reading this book, and can’t wait to read her next book, Hope for the Hollow: A Thirty-Day Inside-Out Makeover for Women Recovering from Eating Disorders. Jena is giving away a signed copy of Hollow.

SATURDAY: Suzanne Kamata is a writer mama living in Japan with her Japanese husband and kids. You have to try for the amazing book Suzanne edited entitled Call me Okasaan: Adventures in Multi-cultural Mothering. A seasoned author, Suzanne’s most recent book published is Gadget Girl, the art of being invisible. She is going to talk about writing and motherhood, and yes, she is also giving away a signed copy of Call Me Okasaan.

For a chance to win the book of the day you have to:

1. Leave a comment ON THE DAY the author is interviewed.

2. Tweet, share on Facebook, Pin, etc … for ONE MORE CHANCE to win (again ON THAT DAY) and leave another comment letting me know what you did (note, it’s just one more chance regardless of how much you share :) .

So that’s TWO CHANCES per person if you are so inclined!

Winners will be announced for each day (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday) on Mother’s Day and chosen randomly from randomnumber.org.

There are so many wonderful books out there by mothers. I contacted the first five that popped in my mind. But now I am thinking of so many more, I’m going to have to do this again!

The book giveaway starts MONDAY!!

Help spread the word!

Thoughts on being two people at once, a mom and a writer

© Aeolos | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

© Aeolos | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

Thoughts on being two people at once, a mom and a writer

(I’m on vacation … So enjoy this recycled post today!)

OK, so I am a mom. Obviously.

I usually have stains on my shirt. I sweat a lot from picking kids up and down all day, and if I am talking to you in a public place with my children in tow, I am typically looking out of the corner of my eye to ensure that they don’t run away.

I’ve been a mom for over twelve years. It’s one part of my personality that is constant. Whether I am grumpy or happy, chubbier or thinner, motivated or lazy, I’m a mom.

It’s what I know.

Enter stage left a quiet desire that has risen up to become a writer. Not just a “please excuse Evangeline from school on Tuesday because she had a doctor visit” writer, but the other kind. The type who actually spends a good amount of BOC (butt on the chair). A person who actually produces readable work.

I remember distinctly when the dream actually took root in my heart. We were on vacation in Florida and Sergei and I were hanging out late at night in a hot tub (this all sounds very sophisticated and a tad bit romantic, doesn’t it? But honest, we were just talking).

“I think I want to write a book.”

“I mean, I think I want to be a writer.” I looked at my husband sitting in the other corner of a 6′ to 8′ bubbling pot of water.

Here is a crucial part to my story. My husband’s answer.

“You should. Let’s make it happen.” (Awesome husband, right?)

Once we returned home from vacation, Sergei and I set up a schedule that allowed me time to write.

And I did.

Some days I ignored laundry. Some days I ignored my kids.

A funny thing started to happen inside me. I began to feel more like myself. Like Gillian. Sure, I was still Lainie and Zoya and Polly and Evie’s mom, but there was also space in my head to think, to process, to create, to write.

Six years later, even with several magazine articles, and essays under my belt and a book deal for my memoir, I am still trying to balance two people at once, a mom and a writer. And it must be said that hands down, if one were to trump the other, it would be mom.

But, I have to say, my writing has made me a better mom.

My girls see me pursuing my goals. They see that I am happy writing things down. They see that they can have more than one dream in life, and with God’s help, can do things relatively okay most days.

I think that is worth being two people.

Don’t you?

Forgetful goldfish and the kitchen sink

http://www.stockfreeimages.com/

http://www.stockfreeimages.com/

 Forgetful goldfish and the kitchen sink

Okay, so today I am going to talk about goldfish and kitchen sinks. How will I tie the two together you might ask?

I have no idea.

When it comes to motherhood, faith, and life in general, it amazes me how easily I fluctuate between dual personalities within myself.

On one side, I am a person of faith who believes that God is not only the goal of my journey but also my companion. I believe I am the right mother for my children because they were entrusted to me. I believe that small measurable goals on a daily basis; things like drinking enough water, sleeping well, getting exercise, taking five minutes to talk to God, will bring about needed changes in my life.

And then, at the same time, sometimes even in the same breath, I am the other me. The failure. Anyone, even Roseanne Barr (or her character from the television show) could parent my kids better than me. I can’t seem to accomplish the simplest tasks. I’m more like a homeless person walking through the alleys of my faith, looking through garbage cans for blessings.

Or like the person James writes about in the New Testament:

Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and forgets what he looks like.” James 1:24

Aren’t we all like forgetful goldfish?

The more I talk to people, the more I realize I am not alone. Most of us are like forgetful goldfish. We are busy, busy, busy; we swim incessantly, but we go in circles, and eventually, we start drinking our own shit.

We’d do better living in houses filled with mirrors so that every time we turn around, we are reminded of who we are compared to God.

Slowing down in life requires a great effort

If our lives were like a kitchen sink (what can I say, I’m a mom. I spend a lot of time at the kitchen sink, and no this metaphor has nothing to do with goldfish), then what would the sink look like? Is it clogged up with good, but filling things like family, work, home, exercise, and friends? Or is it clogged up with sticky murk like reality TV and Facebook, retail therapy, overeating or having one glass too many of Chardonnay?

Being smarter goldfish

Now imagine the faucet in the sink as God. He offers cool, refreshing, life-giving water and most days we don’t even think to turn the faucet on. And if we do, our sinks just fill to the brim. The water can’t get through to our plumbing, to our hearts and heads and consciousness, because of all that junk we let fill us up.

I need help becoming a smarter goldfish. Yes, this is my life, it will be busy and there are lots of things that can fill me up. But if I can focus more on life-giving Drano in my sink; my reading something from the Bible, talking to God, serving those around me, I bet that cool water will flow.

And then maybe I’ll be able to enjoy the swim of life a bit more.

Your turn: What’s something clogging up your sink recently? For me, it is television, so Sergei and I and the kids aren’t watching it during the week for Lent. How bout you?

 

Depressed mom = failed mom

http://www.stockfreeimages.com/

http://www.stockfreeimages.com/

Depressed mom = failing mom

I’m going to hit a nerve today.

For those of us moms who struggle with depression, one of the biggest thoughts that will run through our minds is this: I am failing as a mom.

I am failing as a mom.

At least, that’s one of the primary thoughts I battle in my depression.

I’m sure that every mom thinks such thoughts from time to time, but for depressed moms, these feelings are frequent, and amplified, and terrifying, and excruciating.

So, I fight.

When I assume I am failing as a mom because of my depression, I work at grabbing hold of those thoughts and putting it them in their place.

If you think you are a failing mom because you are depressed today, here’s five things that may help you a little bit with your thought patterns.

I am not an expert on maternal depression but I am a mother who struggles with it. This list is from my personal experience and isn’t proven fact. But it might help. I share my findings with you because I know there are many moms like me suffering in silence.

1. Remember that depression is an illness.

The Mayo Clinic says that ‘more than just a bout of the blues, depression isn’t a weakness, nor is it something that you can simply “snap out” of. Depression is a chronic illness that usually requires long-term treatment, like diabetes or high blood pressure.’

Yes, you have to work at getting healthy but remember that depression is an illness. It is not your fault you are depressed. (Not sure if what you are feeling is depression? Here are some signs.)

2. Give yourself a small opportunity to be there for your child today.

If your depression hasn’t robbed you completely of energy and ability today, do something with your child. Read him a book, watch a show together, make a favorite snack. He will remember these things. They fill him up. They will be in his love tank on the days you can’t spend quality time with him.

3. Get help.

If you are depressed, you need to get some help. Talk to one person you trust and tell him or her about your struggles. Make an appointment with your doctor. Talk to your pastor. You may need counseling, or medication, both, neither, other, whatever. The point is you are not a failing mom. You just need some help.

4. Make a list.

When you start to feel like you are failing as a mom, pay attention to the trigger. What, exactly did you fail at? And was it truly a failure or has your mind jumped to conclusions? Depressed minds overreact and assume. Try to separate truth from reality. Maybe you did fail. If so, apologize, try to do better. But if you didn’t, or if it isn’t that big of a deal, then let it go. You don’t have that kind of energy to mull over a false thought.

5. Remind yourself of your children’s love.

This is a biggie for me. I have chosen to be open with my kids about my struggles with depression. They know about it, they pray for me, and they still love me. Think of the good times, think of their voices saying, “I love you, Mom.” Trust me, even though they see you struggle, they know you love them. And they love you. And if you are questioning that at all, then pull them to you and remind them of your love. I’m pretty sure they’ll say it back.

10 things not to say to a mother fighting depression

http://www.stockfreeimages.com/

http://www.stockfreeimages.com/

10 things not to say to a mother fighting depression

For the last two months I have been working on my latest book project about depression and motherhood. While writing, I came up with 10 things not to say to a mother fighting depression. Of course, these are just my ideas from experiences I’ve had in my personal battle with depression as a mom. Let me know what you think!

10. Go outside for a walk.

It’s true that for me, sunshine and fresh air help me sometimes when I am depressed, but I get tired of people suggesting these the outdoors like I never thought of it or tried it. Now, I do have a friend who shared with me how exercise and healthy eating made a difference in her husband’s depression. I  appreciated the careful, loving way she attempted to help me from experience.

9. You’re lazy.

This is a tough one for me. My mom and I recently figured out that I struggled with depression as a kid, but I was always just thought to be lazy. I have friends and family members who equate my depression with laziness. I get it. If a person hardly moves and stays in bed, it can seem pretty lazy. But please understand, I’m not choosing NOT to do things. I simply, when I am depressed, am not able to.

8. Oh, my friend had that. She did XYZ to get rid of it.

When I am not in the midst of a major depressive episode, I appreciate hearing stories about others who have found helpful ways to elevate their pain in depression. But if I am really struggling, please don’t blow me off with a pat answer to my struggle. It’s real. It’s painful. I need understanding and validation.

7. Your kids shouldn’t have to go through this (i.e. You’re a bad mom).

This is the hardest part of depression and motherhood. Kids absolutely should not have to go through this. Nor should their mothers for that matter. Trust me, guilt is a big part of the cycle of depression, especially when one has kids. Find ways to encourage the mom, and point out concrete examples of her ability to mother well. Our kids are our biggest motivators to tackle depression.

6. Snap out of it.

A lot of people can’t snap out of depression. It is an illness, one that no one prefers to have. Therapy, medication, exercise, eating right, and other things help, and when they do, Praise God! But it is not a question of a person snapping out of it. To say that is just mean.

5. I’d be depressed but I don’t have time.

Ah, the active busy mom who just can’t understand how another mom has the time to be depressed. Comments like this hurt. Moms who fight depression, again, do not choose the illness. Please know, we really want to be able to do more, and there are times when we are jealous of you and all that you accomplish. Depressed moms don’t make time to be sad. They carve out time to be well.

4. Pray harder.

Ouch. If only our faith was stronger, we would not be depressed. God has blessed us with so much, isn’t it disrespectful not to be joyful? The joy of the Lord is our strength, is it not? If you have a friend who is depressed, absolutely pray for them. Absolutely gently encourage them to pray, and seek God, and read scripture. But please don’t make their illness a spiritual deficit. Trust me, if they are people of faith, they are praying like hell.

3. Just take an antidepressant.

Antidepressants do help a lot of people who struggle with depression. And I am so thankful they make a difference in my battle. But our methods of treatment are not really your business to discuss. If your friend had cancer, would you be inclined to advise her the best route of recovery?

2. If you tried harder, you’d feel better.

People who struggle with depression WANT TO FEEL BETTER.

1. How can you be depressed when you have so many good things in your life?

Whether or not one’s depression is situational or clinical, it is not a decision a person makes. “I think I’ll be depressed today.” Um, no. Please don’t say something condescending like this. But also, please, again gently, tactfully, point out the good things in our lives. Chances are, we need to hear about them.

If you battle depression and are a mom, I’d love your feedback. Do you agree, disagree? What would you add or omit in your list?

World’s Okayest Mom

World’s Okayest Mom

I saw this coffee cup picture today on Facebook. Boy, do I want one.

It made me laugh out loud. I got so excited, as this notion of being an okay mom has been on my radar recently.

Moms have demands; kids, homes, friends, spouses, work.

I get it, life is demanding. Strap on a toddler or two in the house, and the demands are so tall at times you want to curl up in a ball in the corner of the living room.

But I suspect our greatest demands are from ourselves.

Why do we impose our demands on each other, and why, seriously, why do we put such high demands on ourselves?

Why do moms compare?

Our friend down the street loves spending every waking minute with her children, so we should.

Our other friend only buys organic, so we should.

Our other friend makes sure she gets a work out in every day and can fit in her high school jeans, so we should.

Our other friend is memorizing the book of John from the Bible and whispering it to her children at night as she lays them down to sleep, so we should.

Enough.

Working out, eating well, enjoying our kids, teaching them about our beliefs, and a million other things, are all important.

But comparing ourselves to other moms, and to this ideal in our minds of the perfect mother, won’t actually help us improve.

It will help us fail.

Because our energy gets tied up in comparing.

Seriously? Who has that kind of expendable energy? I sure don’t. We will buckle under the pressure, and our children probably will find us somewhere curled up in a ball in the corner of a room.

I struggle with depression, and there have been times in my parenting journey where I’ve ended up in bed for days at a time. Through my relationship with God, a good therapist, and an antidepressant, I’ve realized that I put a lot of pressure on myself. I have this ideal of what I should be as a mom. And it is an incredibly tall order. I set myself up for failure because there is no possible way I could do everything I think I should, even if my neighbor can do it.

I have to stop comparing myself to others and to my ideal of motherhood and work with who I am today.

That’s not saying I can’t improve in areas of my life, God knows I can, and I can learn from others how to be a better mom.

But my standard is not them. I am not them, and comparison and guilt absolutely suck what little reserves of emotional and physical energy I have to parent my four daughters.

So here’s my challenge: Don’t think you have to do everything every other mother is doing. Figure out what is best/right for your family at this season of your life, pray about it, ask God to bless it, and then do it.

It’s vital for us moms to take a step back and see what we have in life. Your life may not be ideal. In fact, I wonder who has everything they want? I sure don’t.

But if you have your kids, or your marriage, or your faith, your health, your job, and/or a million other things in your life, you have much to be thankful for.

You are okay. 

I need this reminder today.

Maybe you do, too.

We’re okay. My kids are okay. I’m okay. Our family is okay.

Because there are no guarantees, and a lot of people aren’t okay, and we may not be okay tomorrow.

So, who’s with me? Here’s to World’s Okayest Moms!