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I have friends and family who want to help me fight depression. They just don’t know how. And that’s not their fault. So, I came up with a list of 10 things not to say to a mother fighting depression. I hope it helps both those close to us and other people who aren’t educated about depression, as well. 10. Go outside for a walk. Sunshine and fresh air help me sometimes when I am -
Struggle with depression… Tis the season Struggle with depression. Tis the season, fa la la la la, la, la, la, la. 1 out of 4 people in America struggle with depression or some kind of mental illness. There are also people who deal with chronic pain, grief, post traumatic stress, and probably too many other things to list here that are often greatly enhanced throughout the holidays. I have major depressive disorder… (I know, shocker.
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Depression: No longer under lock and key I have a book coming out in the spring about my battle with depression. People who know I am a writer often ask me what I am working on. “A memoir about depression,” I say, and they look at me out of the corners of their eyes. Why would anyone want to write, or for that matter, read a book about that, I decide they are thinking. But
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Please help me welcome my beautiful (almost 15 year old) daughter Elaina as she writes about her experience with having siblings with disabilities. Great job, Elaina! I love you! What about us? A sibling to kids with disabilities shares her needs By Elaina Marchenko Today, my sister Zoya and I watched Polly and Evie, our two little sisters with disabilities, while my mom went out for a haircut. It being summer we do watch our
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36 Responses
Brava! BRAVA! From one mother suffering with chronic depression to another, thank you for shining a light on this difficult, and mostly misunderstood challenge.
Thanks, friend. Happy that if I have to walk this road, at least there’s good company :).
Along the lines of #8, but extra laden with spiritual guilt: I was so depressed, and then I realized I needed to forgive someone (or whatever their step was). Once I did that, my depression was gone and I haven’t struggled with it one day since.
While I don’t doubt that this person probably was depressed, I get so angry when those who have situational depression make no distinction between that and chemical depression. Before I started taking anti-depressants, I went through every possible spiritual cure–I was prayed over, was anointed with oil, had hands laid on me. I tried taking extra vitamins, spending extra time in the sun. Getting more sleep. Praying for God to lift this from me. Confessing every possible sin that I had ever committed. Confessing things that maybe I had done but wasn’t sure of, racking my brain and heart for closeted sins that I was hiding from God and from myself. And you know what? None of that helped–because it wasn’t a spiritual issue. It was a chemical issue. So for people to imply that getting over depression is as easy as 1, 2, 3 implies that those who don’t “get over it” as easily are doing something wrong, or are somehow defective.
I agree. Leave room for the possibility that you may not actually understand what someone else is going through.
I agree as well. That word defective hits home. Thanks so much for your comment.
I think the best approach to helping someone with depression is love and kindness. People generally want to be helpful, and in reality may feel help-less. They don’t know what to say, so they say things like the above, meant to be helpful, but actually quite hurtful. I’d advise anyone, before they are tempted to say something to someone going through depression (or, really, any difficult situation) think to yourself before you speak “is it loving? is it kind?” And if you’ve never experienced real depression yourself, leave room for the possibility that you may not understand it. I am bipolar and have experienced both ends of the mood swing. When I’m feeling depressed, problem-solving from others is rarely of any help. What I do want is reassurance, love and understanding. In my state, I may not be able to believe any of it, but your belief in and love of me will lodge somewhere in my psyche, and eventually help, along with the love of others and the love of God (or whatever or whoever you believe in) to lift me out of it. God bless you Gillian and thanks as always for your willingness to speak and share.
Love your words, Sandy. I agree, and that’s why I think conversations like this are helpful. Sergei read this post and said, “man, I’ve said like seven of these.” :). He wants to help, but may not know how. Love and kindness are always the right way to go.
Amen, sister.
Thanks for the encouragement, Lynda.
I hink the sunshine thing is suggested by some because vit d deficiecy can truly show a difference in moods and depression. A good many people are deficient in vit D too, hubs is a np and tested a bunch an was awfully suprised, even more so up north or in areas where people have hard winters. I have seasonal affective disorder and sunshine make a huge difference to me. I also have 2 friends who have suffered from depression for many years. They both lie a few minutes in a tanning bed a few times a week all winter(in the summer they spend a little extra time outside). They swear by the mood difference. Anyway, I just wanted to throw that out there. HUGS 🙂
Thanks for your comment, Shea. I know what you are talking about. A few of my friends have light lamps they swear by. Hugs back at ya!
Beautifully written. Thank you for your helpful words.
Thank you so much for commenting, Betsy.
Excellent post Gillian! As someone who has struggled with depression most of my life I get tired of hearing the “you have so much to be thankful for” speech. I’ve also faced the argument that “Christians who have enough faith don’t need a prescription”. That one is painful. If I were diabetic would you tell me not to take insulin? Thanks for reminding everyone that depression isn’t a choice. Well said!
Thanks for speaking up! I’ve heard those before, too. Boy does it hurt. Would love to get to know you better and hear about your journey.
OK so I don’t battle depression, but my husband battles an anxiety disorder that at one point brought him to a point of depression. If I had to speak to another spouse, I would say, “Just stand there and keep standing there.” I sometimes think we want to make it go away, but so very often, we can’t. But to be there, honest and loving and waiting, means something more than our words can.
I’m so glad you are delving into this “can of worms.” Chris has always been open with his struggles and has had people comment that his being OK with himself has allowed them to open up about their struggles and find help and relief. I can’t help but think that you are making it safe for someone silently struggling with a mental illness to find words and help. Thank you for being open.
I love that, “Just stand there and keep standing there.” Best thing I’ve heard all day.
Oh my…I have to say first…I get it, boy, do I get it. Yet, I have to smile. Partly because it’s nice to know I’m not the only one. Partly because this has the feel of something I would like to say to people…the “sound” of it is so right on. And then I’m sad, because only on days of pain and weariness am I reduced to being this short and to the weary, worn out, angry point. If I suppose that this is true of you as well (this is the first time I’ve read your blog – found it posted on FB), then I’ve also got to suppose that when you wrote this you were weary, worn out, and angry. I’m so sorry you have to experience this pain and fatigue. What others can’t begin to know, in any way that has impact, is how self-disappointing it is for us, internally, to be unable to live up to our own ideas of what we’d like to be accomplishing, when it’s actually all we can do to get the minimal for survival accomplished. I’m, sadly, not a mom…so I can’t even imagine how much worse to be disappointed not only in not meeting my goals for myself but also those for my children. All I can offer by way of encouragement is that when I am most distressed at how little I am able to perform to what I know is my own considerable potential, God hears my cry and the answer has often been, “Has anything that really needed to get done not gotten done? Or is it only the things that you know would make you look good that you’re unhappy about not getting to? Do you trust Me for your true needs?”. And the answer is, of course, “Yes, Lord, I know You will provide all my needs. And You do. And, yes, it is mainly my pride that’s suffering and some very unBiblical worrying that’s giving me trouble.” If I understand the Bible, pride is something He doesn’t want to see in us and humility is something He cherishes in His children. Jesus’ description of Himself was ” I am meek and lowly in heart” (Matthew 11:29). So, my prayer for you is for His peace in your troubles and to, indeed, find rest unto your soul. And I guess I’ll take time now to thank Him for the very real provision He makes to each day as He shows me how easy it can be His particular way for me and to repent of worrying about tomorrow and on into the future. God uses broken people. Have you read Sheila Walsh’s book by that name? I found it helpful. God bless our brokenness.
Kathryn, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I went back and read my post, um, yeah, I sound a little mad lol. And this was a good day :). But I agree with you about running to God. Thank you so much for the prayer.
Love this.
And Zoloft too. I love Zoloft. (Side note: have you read Jamie the Very Worst Missionary’s recent post titled “Jesus and Zoloft.” You’d like it.) For the past three months, my prayers of thanksgiving have included Zoloft. To your point about antidepressants, I would also warn others against encouraging people to soldier through with faith/prayer/organization/healthy eating/etc so that they don’t have to use the frightful antidepressants. I waited way too long to seriously consider pharmaceutical options because I was working so hard (hmm, maybe this fits in the “try harder” section) to avoid them. Many of my friends are so gung-ho about the clean eating/cooking/living trend and avoiding medications and eating whole, unprocessed foods that it can be hard to say, “Well, that’s good, and we do many of those things too, but my body still needs meds to counteract a couple of autoimmune quirks I have. oh, and depression. yep, meds help there too. so please, please, please, please, please stop re-posting all sorts of things on Facebook that lie to me and say that I could just be better and not need medication if only I took supplements and worked out a gagillion hours a day and ate more greens and meat or less meat or more milk or, oh wait, milk’s no good. And don’t you dare mention eliminating coffee, because even if giving up coffee fixed my chemical depression, then I’d have new situational depression about not being allowed to have coffee. For me, though I keep trying those changes, none have worked for me yet, and it makes me feel like a failure sometimes.”
Okay, felt good to get that off my chest. Now I’m going to go make some more coffee.
You get your coffee, lady. And I totally read Jamie’s post. I’d made me giggle b/c I have a post in drafts called I thank God for Jesus and Prozac. I love your words.
Great post! It is good to be validated by some who recognize just what depression is.
Thanks Sandy!
Another great blog. Also liked the response about situational vs. chemical depression. Unfortunately Vitamin D and sunshine don’t work for everybody.
I hear you, Jami. Thanks.
Thanks for the practical, personal guidelines! You have the moral authority to write your heart on this and other issues related to special needs families! Thanks so much!
Thanks for your encouragement, Ann!
I’ve been told all of these.
The “more praying” comment hurt most when I was first diagnosed after years of undiagnosed suffering. I had been praying like a mad woman, actually BEGGING to be cured.
The one that hurts the most now is #1. Trust me, I know that I have a wonderful husband, lovely children, a stable job, a nice home, etc, etc, etc, and when I’m well, those things mean everything to me. But that doesn’t change the fact that my brain is, as simple as I can say it, chemically broken. In it’s brokeness, it doesn’t understand the worth of anything.
Oh, Holly, I know where you are coming from, unfortunately. Hugs to you.
What you wrote can also be said for someone struggling with depression who doesn’t have children too.
Absolutely! thanks for commenting :).
I so appreciate this, Gillian as it is my deepest desire to encourage others- not make it worse. Sometimes it is so hard to know how to help, because when you care about others, it is painful to see them struggling so much. How early did it start for you? And do you have advice for moms on how to help their children if they are concerned that their kids may be struggling?
Love you sister and I hope that you are reminded today that your words and your experiences NEED to be heard. PLEASE keep writing and don’t give up!!!
Um. Yes. To all of it. And no, you’re not the only one. And I probably have more to say…but for now, just yes.
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