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(The following is a brief excerpt from my book KRASATA, a Memoir of Motherhood, Down Syndrome and Surprising Beauty, a story about the birth of our third daughter in the former Soviet Union while we lived there as missionaries and her diagnosis of Down syndrome.) The first time I had felt the baby move, I was in the bath, looking down at my cushioned middle. The movement was just a slight flutter. She probably wasn’t
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If so, I have a message for you this morning. It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay that you struggled. It’s okay that you are struggling. It’s okay. That’s it. That’s my message. I’ve struggled. I still struggle. Here are a few past posts to prove it: A Few Thoughts, a post about my true feelings upon meeting my daughter You’re doing it wrong, a post about second guessing myself as a mother I’m scared of
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Post-adoption depression Last Thursday I took Evangeline, our adopted daughter from Ukraine, five years old, diagnosed with Down syndrome, to a developmental pediatrician. “I heard this doctor is good at what he does, and I want his opinion about Evie’s lack of development since she’s been home from Ukraine,” I affirmed rather loudly to my husband Sergei in an effort to hide that really, I was taking Evangeline to this doctor for a second opinion.
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We had our first real snow in Chicago yesterday. It came late in the season, after shimmering Christmas lights had been taken down and stored away for next year. After the two-week winter break from school, a time when kids typically layer clothing and snowsuits to burrow in the snow, build forts, and come back in and sip steaming hot cocoa, had come and gone. Instead, my kids played outside with their neighbor friends during
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83 Responses
I can’t wait to read your book! You have got me wondering and wanting more
Thanks Savina! Nice to ‘meet’ you! I appreciate you stopping by :).
Beautiful. You story deserves to be shared I can’t wait to read it.
Wow, thanks! You are so encouraging!
You have wet my appetite for more! And I don’t even eat Big Macs:-) We are ready, every one of us with a child who is ‘special’! That is, well, ALL of us. Seriously, I think you have a gift and you need to give it to us.
Debbie, I don’t like Big Macs generally either. That’s what living overseas will do to a person :). Thanks for your sweet words.
gillian. this book will be published because the world needs to understand that it’s okay to struggle, be afraid, and later (doesn’t matter how much later) learn what beautiful things can come from something first viewed as “ugly”. i’m not talking about polly – instead the situation – and so many people are afraid of ugly situations… anything but beautiful and perfect and ‘normal’ can be seen as ugly even by the people closest to the situation if they’re afraid of it. but you, my friend, have embraced it, continue to live it, blossomed with unconditional love because of it and now, wrote about it for the world to read. love you.
Thanks friend. Love you, and can’t believe we never see each other. Sucks. Big time.
I love it! You are a talented writer!!!
Thank you Penny :).
Oh, lady there are tons of reasons this book should be published, but the biggest one is that somewhere out there a new mommy…maybe she’s not even a mommy yet…but somewhere at some moment a mommy will read your book and feel peace. “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You, too? I thought I was the only one”.” She’ll find solace and comfort in your words because she will realize we’re all on this road together, even if we’re not physically connected.
Your comment just gave me chills. Thanks friend.
Gillian,
You are an amazing person! I remember when my mom first told me about your trials with Polly in Ukraine. I was amazed at how strong and Godly you are. I wondered what I would do in a situation like that. Could I be that strong? It is hard to say. You never know how you will handle a situation until you face it. Needless to say I truly admire you for the strength and perseverance in that situation. I would love to read your perspective on your story. I think your story could help others in similar situations. It could be the example of strength that they need and hold onto in their situation. That is why I think your book should be published. 🙂
Thank you Mindy. I do hope my story will be helpful, but believe me, once you read it you’ll see that I wasn’t strong. That’s part of the beauty of the story :).
Your story should be told because it’s been CRAFTED; it’s not simply words on a page. Beautifully crafted, carrying us along with you into your emotions.
Thanks for that kind of compliment, Diane. I greatly appreciate your words. And look forward to hanging out in GR.
What a teaser. This sounds like a wonderful book! I’ve added it to my MUST read list. I might even move it to the top of my VERY long list!
Wow, Holly. Thanks!
It’s amazing to me that I feel so bonded to you and Miss Polly and yet I really know so little of how she came to you. I know it will be a blessing to me to read your whole story. I am waiting impatiently until is ready for all to read!!
That’s true. It was such a scary, strange, incredible time. I’m glad God has allowe dme to get it down on paper, If it doesn’t publish, I’ll just print you out a copy :).
Being from Michigan, and being an expat mother of a child with special needs (as you know), I am very intrigued by your story. Everything about this passage interests me! (I already have a copy of JEWEL, but I wanted to comment.)
Suzanne, thanks so much. Your comment is very encouraging because I admire you and your work so much. Us ex-pat, special needs, Michiganders need to stick together.
Gillian, I love your writing. Through your writing, I feel that I can see not only you, but the inside of you. I am amazed every time. I feel torn apart at times by the pain you describe, and then tears of joy for the sweet moments. Recently I asked about 40 of my friends to subscribe to your blog because I just think it’s amazing. If the book is anything like your blogs, I will be reading it and asking all sorts of people to read it too, so that I won’t have to have all these emotions stirred in me without anyone to share them with. Most of all I love that your blog brings God glory. I haven’t seen you since the late 90’s when we worked in Food Service at MBI together. Oh my. Those were the days. And then I was there for your wedding. There was a big pork roast if I remember correctly – which I couldn’t eat because I don’t eat pork. lol. Time has passed but your writing makes me feel like I am getting to know you better and better. I love you, Joy.
Joy, these words of your made me cry. Thank you. I love you, too.
Gillian, I can’t wait to read your book in its entirety. Of course it should be published. Life is a struggle. Some days we feel like we can do it, and others we don’t. I appreciate reading about your honest feelings while coping with your ups and your downs. You really do inspire me in many ways.
Thank you Sara!
I want to read your book. As an adoptive mother or two, now adult children from India and as a recently returned Peace Corps volunteer from Ukraine who has struggled mightily with learning Russian, I am intrigued by your story. Hope it is published soon. ( Yourndescription of your bathtub remains me of ours in Zaporizhia!)
Wow, Ellie, we have a lot in common. Do you have a blog? Would love to hear more about you. And thanks for the comment!
Thinking back to how long I have been waiting for this except! Of course you must publish it. I am already hooked.
That means a lot coming from you, TUC. Love YOUR writing, too.
I’m surprised you liked Jewel, I thought it was an absolutely horrible book! A far better read reflecting the joys of Downs children would be Welcome to the Great Mysterious by Lorna Landvik, or even The Memory Keeper’s Daughter by I-can’t-remember-the-author right now.
Hi Mary! Thanks for your comment. I see what you mean about Jewel as far as advocacy. I agree, it’s not the most encouraging book about Down syndrome in that way. The reason I like it is b/c the writing is so good, and I love the love between mother and daughter, and I am fascinated by a different time in history, when it would have been so much more difficult to raise my daughters.
All that said, if you when the book drawing, I’ll send you a different book :). Have you read A Good and Perfect Gift by Amy Julia Becker? It’s wonderful. I think you’ll like it. (Oh, and the author of The Memory Keeper’s Daughter is Kim Edwards. Loved that one, too.)
Have a great day!
Hi Gillian! I want your book to be published because I know that I will learn a lot from you! You are so real and honest in the things you say. Praying for a publisher! 🙂
Susan, thank you so much for praying. Means so much.
Your book should be published because you are the only person who can share your story and there are people who need to hear this very story.
True words, Kathleen. Important for all of us to remember. I appreciate your comment :).
I am so drawn in by your story – I want to know more. What happens? How do you handle everything? Do you stay in the Ukraine? How do you talk to the doctors? I also really enjoy your writing style. Your voice is soft and loving.
Hello Sarah! Thanks for stopping by. Here are my answers :): I handle everything poorly for a while until God gets my attention again. We come back to the States. I get really mad at the doctors in Ukraine and then shut down . . . the rest you’ll have to wait for (if God decides to bring my dream of publishing it to fruition. If not, I’ll email you a copy :).
I wanted to wish you a very happy birthday. I love your book and I can’t wait to read it in its entirety.
Awww, thanks!
“I couldn’t do it,” I told Sergei. “I could never be the mother of a child with special needs.” Instantly I wanted to take the words back.
None of us think we could. But in the end, we do what we have to do for our children, whether they have Down syndrome or not. I can’t wait to read more of your story, Gillian.
Thank you Jennie. I appreciate your comment.
Get this book published! I want more! Get it published because you are a talented writer who has an important story to tell and a lot of people waiting to read it.
I wish you were an agent, Ms. Barb :).
I CANNOT wait to read your book. You are a very talented writer and I look forward to your posts.
Love,
—Jen
Thanks lady! Miss you :).
The mark of a good book is when it can suck you in so much that you forget your surroundings. I forgot that I’m going to be late for work, that I was reading with a critical eye, & that I “know” the author. Can’t wait to read more!
Thank you Tara. That is a huge compliment. You just made me feel really good.
Why should your book be published??? So I can finish it!! lOL
I was so into it and then it was over!
it would be a great addition to our library at DSSRI too.
seriously can’t wait to read the whole thing!
Thanks Stephanie. I checked out your blog, Excited for you guys :).
Love reading your “teasers”. Yes, definately get it published so we can read it all. I have read Jewel many years ago when my son was smaller, but just wanted to send some encouragement.
Thank you so much!
Definitely looking forward to reading more! Awesome!
Thanks Lisa. I seriously appreciate you taking the time to comment.
Loved it, Gill! Hope your call went great, let’s get this thing done!
That’s the spirit!
Gillian, I loved all the details! The way you wrote made me feel like I was there and I wanted to be! Thanks for including Sergei bought you a book at the market in Kiev, McDonald’s and Big Macs, ice-skating and scripture and how it made you laugh. I could see God working in all of these and more. It was great getting this glimpse, but I already knew it was going to be good! GO for it! Can’t wait for the rest, love you!
Thanks Debbie!
Gillian,
I pray that you are encouraged today by all of the responses. Keep working hard and pursuing a publisher, because you absolutely should! Your writing is beautiful and touching and I love reading everything you write. (VERY excited for you, because I know that God is in this!)
Love you!
I am encouraged, Becky. Thanks for your prayers and support!
You have such a beautiful way with words!!! I love the vulnerability in your writing. Praying that you get your work published because I know it will be glorifying to God…and Ds. Hugs!
Thank you Cathy! I really appreciate your kind words :).
You have a unique perspective that I would love to read more about. I too lived cross culturally for several years and it was the birth of our third, Jakey, and his diagnosis of Ds that kept us in the States. I have truly enjoyed your blog, Pocket Lint and getting to know your story and would love to read it. And, I love “Jewel” so I know you have great taste. And I definitely know what it is like to get an English novel in a non English speaking country.
We have a lot in common Carolyn. Thanks so much for your comment!
What a beautiful writing style you have! What a beautiful story! I met you long ago and am pleased to reconnect! I want a copy of your book when it comes out.
In my talking with women, so many of us have areas where we feel “less than” and ill-equipped to handle circumstances we are in…thanks for the honest look at the process of walking each step with God’s help, remembering to keep our focus off our belly-buttons and on His face!
Thanks for the comment Dora. I am so glad to reconnect as well! Thanks for your thoughts on motherhood. So true.
You have a sense of vulnerability and honesty in your writing. We live in a world that is trying to make sense of how to fit in and acclimate to each new day. We all want that honesty and vulnerability in our lives, but sometimes it seems hard to attain – particularly in some cultures. As you know, most cultures struggle with what ‘normal’ is. Your journey and telling your story will potentially help many to realize that it’s ok to struggle, question and cry out.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us! May you soon have the opportunity to publish your book and share your story with many others as well.
Thank you Amy!
You’ve left me wanting more! At this moment, I am 43 and almost 34 weeks pregnant with our last child. I have had occasional doubts / worry that my son may have Down Syndrome, and I have been working on my trust in God through this. I know God is good, all the time, and that He loves me and has a plan for my life, and that His plan is good and intended to make me more like Christ. However, I still wonder if I could be a good mom to a child with extra challenges. Anyway, I am excited to read on in your book!
I think doubts and worry are normal, unfortunately. Prayers for your pregnancy. Keep me posted on how it goes. Thanks for commenting!
I know I missed the giveaway, but I’m just now seeing this! Beautifully written. You are a very talented writer. I think the publishing industry should be based more off of talent and words that are WORTH reading and learning from rather than the current leaning towards the pop(ular) culture. I hope that publishing things happen for you soon. You deserve it!
Thank you Deanna! So much!
Yes! Our beautiful children with Down Syndrome were created in the image of God! My story is similar to yours! Please do write your story, others will be more likely to keep their babies with Down Syndrome instead of abort them like I was encouraged to do…after our precious Emily was born. God bless you greatly! He will lift up those who honor Him! :0)
By the way, if you click on my name, you will see how God is choosing to bless the world through our “masterpiece” Emily. :0)
Thanks Brenda! Will definitely check out your blog and your cute little one. Can’t wait!
It’s compelling and raw and real; keep writing, friend, and publish away! You’ll be doing such a powerful work for others by sharing this story.
Thank you Sarah!
Dear girl, you have a remarkable gift of drawing a reader in with each thought, feeling and experience expressed. As a mother of a delightful 40 yr. DS daughter, my third child, I had no clue during pregnancy. Now that I’ve read this excerpt, I’m eager to read “the rest of the story”. And by all means continue writing, sharing your life story raising a special needs child, you are incredibly talented, and imagine how many mothers you can encourage. Best of luck to you!!
Thank you, Jill, for your obidience and sincerety. I’d love to have a copy of your book. I have a feeling God wants to talk through you to many people. I thank Sergey for supporting you as a writer.
Thank you, Gill, for your obidience and sincerety. I’d love to have a copy of your book. I have a feeling God wants to talk through you to many people. I thank Sergey for supporting you as a writer.
I read a quote from the Dali Lama last night that said “Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.” The birth of your daughter changed the direction of your life in ways you weren’t prepared for, but you have embraced it to welcome even more blessings. It is a lesson many can learn from! I would welcome the opportunity to read your writings!
[…] in my apartment in the former Soviet Union (we were living their as missionaries at the time), eight days after the birth of my third daughter and her surprise diagnosis of Down syndrome, Sergei drove me home from the hospital, I turned on the computer and typed in “New parents of […]
[…] in my apartment in the former Soviet Union (we were living their as missionaries at the time), eight days after the birth of my third daughter and her surprise diagnosis of Down syndrome, Sergei drove me home from the hospital, I turned on the computer and typed in “New parents […]