OK, so I know that as a pastor’s wife I shouldn’t use the word douche. But it best sums up my actions this week. I would venture to say that even Jesus has been shaking his head at me, saying, stop being such a douche.

Anyone watch Zooey Deschanel’s new show on FOX called New Girl?

Well, I do, and I find it hysterical.

It’s a show about four roommates, one girl, three guys and all the antics that come along with that kind of living combination. In the pilot, we were introduced to the douche bag jar. Whenever someone did something stupid or offensive or creepy, they had to put a dollar in the douche bag jar. Schmidt, the roommate who likens his body to a temple and does magic tricks as a serious hobby, hands down puts the most in the douche bag jar each episode.

After these last few days, I need a douche bag jar. Could someone please buy me one?

At the beginning of the week I received an email from an agent interested in representing me and my book. “I’m a bit concerned about your platform, though. Is there a way to get your author facebook page up to 5,000 likes?”

Her question astounded me at first, and I responded not directly to her but through a facebook status (which, strangely, is where some of my most creative writing is happening these days) with this:

So, an agent just emailed asking if I can get my author fb fan page up to 5,000 likes. I am currently at 1,133. Hmmm, ideas on how to grow my page x5 asap: 1) sell personal hugs from Polly and Evie for likes, 2) offer my husband’s services to marry and bury free of charge for a like (btw, it’s free, anyway), or 3) have the kids help me make one of those cardboard signs you wear in the street, asking people to like my fan page. Yeah, I like #3 … I’m on to something. I can also write something on there end timesy and offensive. Sure way to sell books.

No, I don’t think this facebook status is douchey. I think it’s funny, (OK, now I see the douche coming out, someone who enjoys her own humor a bit too much). But once I posted this, several well-meaning friends came back with, “Go for it! Get the likes! You can do it!”

Enter douche bag.

I went nuts, posting about my author page, reminding people hourly to ‘like’ me. I started the $100 Amazon gift card giveaway to push the effort along, and then in a last, feeble attempt, video-taped a rap my girls came up with about liking me.

Yesterday, I light went on. Someone posted a funny link about how not to get people to like you on facebook. It was everything I was doing.

And a dear friend wrote me a gentle note:

I have to say that going crazy on facebook does not seem to be your style or true to your inner self. I believe you are a great writer with a universal story to tell… somehow, someway.

Busted.

What a douche bag.

And that my friends, is why I am taking a step back from self-promotion. I am just going to try to focus on craft, and interact on social media like a normal person, try to love those around me, and most importantly, love those whom I can hug and laugh with on a daily basis IN REAL LIFE.

I need someone to buy me a douche bag jar. Stat.

Choose this day whom you will serve …

And try not to be a douche bag.