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gillian marchenko

Author and Speaker

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Special needs and guilt management

04.06.17

Guilt management and special needs

Special needs and guilt management

Guilt management and special needs – hard, hard, hard, hard, hard topic. For most parents, guilt is a big part of their lives anyway. But for a lot of moms and dads who have children with special needs, it can be immobilizing.

I’m one of those parents.

I have two kids with Down syndrome and I struggle with guilt all the time. Am I doing enough for them? Are there other therapies I don’t know about? Why does that mom seem to be able to handle everything and I can’t? Why won’t my kid potty train? What is this doing to my marriage? What about my other kids?

How can one manage with this?

I’m not a guilt management expert.

No diploma here. I didn’t take a weekend class at a hotel. I surely don’t have it all together. But I care about guilt because it is something I battle daily. Guilt can be one of the fastest fires in our lives. It will burn us out fast.

So, what can we learn about guilt management that can help?

  1. Admit your guilt. A lot of us try to bury and hide that emotion. Why? Is it because we care about what others think? Um, yes. Is it because if we give in to our guilt we will lose it (as in, lose it personally, like lose life)? Again, yes. But ignoring our guilt WILL hurt our health, families, our whole lives. You don’t have to shout it out. You don’t have to tell every person you know. But admit it. Name it and claim it… at least to one person (or to a counselor, never hurts to pay for a friend!). It will help. Trust me.
  2. Let go of comparison. Friends, comparison is quick sand. We have little energy, and yet so much of it is wasted on looking around and seeing what other parents are doing, how their kids act, how they look, etc. One way we can attempt to let go of comparison is to become an ally of the person with whom you compare yourself. Ask her out to coffee. Talk about your life. Let her talk about her life. We all know that the best resources on our special needs journeys are other parents. Tap into that. Odds are, you’ll have things to offer, too. And more likely than not, we are all in the same boat.
  3. Take care of yourself. This is a hard one. Every time I encourage people to take care of themselves I get push back. And for good reason. “How can I take care of myself, I don’t have any help with my kids.” “I have to work.” “There isn’t an extra second in the day.”

Here’s the thing…

I’m not going to tell you that you can find time for yourself. I’m not going to pretend that I know your situation. I hate it when people do that.

Maybe there is no way to get help. I don’t know if it is impossible to do something for yourself. But I encourage you to try. Look for respite programs at churches or through the State. Ask a family member or friend to watch your kids for an hour. Buy macaroni and cheese for a meal so that you can use the extra money for coffee. I want to be sensitive, though. I know some of you will read this and still say, “Yeah, right, Gillian.”

I see you. And I care. All I’m saying is that if there is any way possible, try. 

4. Set small goals to pay attention. If you are anything like me, than I guarantee that having kids with special needs does hard things to your marriage and to your other kids. It just does. It helps is to set really small goals. I’m talking super tiny goals to pay attention to the people you love. Sit down and talk to your husband for 10 minutes. Look your kids in the eye when they get home, ask them about their day, and really listen. Show you care by writing a note or sending a short text. Of course, big gestures are great, too; date night, a movie out with one kid at a time. But if that doesn’t happen often, then set small goals to pay attention and let those small acts feed your soul. Fight your guilt.

Special needs and guilt management? Really, this little list helps?

Maybe not. Maybe it is trite. Maybe I am not helping by oversimplifying things.

I’m in a tug boat trying to make a dent in an iceberg.

But I hope these few thoughts help. At best, this blog post has created five minutes in your life to think about your guilt. At least, you are reminded that you are not alone.

Because you are not alone.

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  1. Leah says:

    Hi, my name is Leah, We have 2 little boy monsters Tom 6 and Sam7. Sam has DS and is a little imagination just like all the other monster xxx I have 8 children, all mine with my ex. Sam goes to a special unit grade 2. Healthy. Every child is diff and special. Except that there will be good & bad days and dont forget the worst days in the universe. dont be in to much of a hurry to do every thing, Do the main things, the every day things to get every one on track, bed. food, wormth, soap, love, play, learn. Cleaning, shopping ect next. Our children are challages within thems self and us. Expect to Make mistakes, your human, and we are parents who want more for our kids, the best for them and more. The only thing I know is the smile, laugh or when they are just doing there moster thing for a miny, Im doing ok, its worm and new in a sence. Remember you are there Boss not other way round lol you are there educator and we may not get it rite every day but trust me we are doing more rite than we think about, the things we worry about feel guilty about, mad or angrey about is much smaller than it is. We put alot more energy thinking negative than about allthe good stuff

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